Joke Of The Day, Enjoy And Smile.

 
 
 

 

 

  If any of these just for laughs are in bad taste, tough.

 If you come across a funny, email it to me. 


 

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Going to Mars is kinda like living in Chicago. It is a cold, windy, nasty place...that you can live in but you will have to stay inside. If you go outside you are likely to end up dead. And just hope that you don't run into any of the real inhabitants of the place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern cops have a way with words.


These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
 
1. ?You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.?
 
2. ?Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They?ll stretch after you wear them a while."
 
3. ?If you take your hands off the car, I?ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
This trooper had to be a Marine.
 
4. ?If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.?
 
5. ?Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

(LOVE IT-yes a Marine)
 
6. ?You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh??
 
7. ?Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I?m the shift supervisor?"
 
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I?m warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
9. ?The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog??
 
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.?
 
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.?
 
12. ?In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. ?Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
 
14. ?No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we?re allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
15. ?I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.?
 
AND THE WINNER IS....
 
16. ?You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.?

Thanks,

Sylvia

 

Give me the grace to see a joke,
        To get some humor out of life,
 
                And pass it on to other folks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIRST TIME SEX 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. 

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' 

The boy turns, and whispers back, 

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A good old country boy came running into the tavern and said to his buddy, ?Al, they just stole your pickup truck!?

Al jumped up, saying, ?Who??

The good old country boy said, ?I didn?t see his face, but I got the license number!?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him, and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Medical School Entrance Exam


A frustrated doctor tells me that when he was young he took an entrance exam for medical school. The exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became doctors...

The rest ended up in Congress.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read,       

 "I hope this helps!"

 `````````````````````````````````````````

ON JULY 20, 1969,
AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON
TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.


HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON WERE,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"
AND THEY WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER,
HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK,


"GOOD LUCK, MR.GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT THAT
IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK,
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING,
THERE WAS NO GORSKY
IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN
OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.


OVER THE YEARS,
MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG
AS TO WHAT THE
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'
STATEMENT MEANT.

BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.


ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA ,
WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26

YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED,
SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT THAT HE COULD NOW
ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938,
WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID WESTERN TOWN ,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.


HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL,
WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD,
BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY


"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!
YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR

WALKS ON THE MOON"!
TRUE STORY......IT BROKE THE PLACE UP.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin'

idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Then the lights went out....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (I.e. Fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England ... In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY!
The moral of the story is,
Don't waste Water.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Biblical Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader called "Abraham of Com" did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And "Dot of Com" was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called "Amazon Dot Com". And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"



And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How might I do that my dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."



Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (I looked it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.



And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.



And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are".



And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". 'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.



And that is how it all began. Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE DAM's, True Story.

SUBjECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania ..

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
 
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethics.
 
The beavers/contractors you are seeking are at the construction site daily. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
 
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy the Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I love a happy ending.

 She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases..
                                           

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

                                         

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

                                           


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


                                    

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell
.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

                                              

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

                                       

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!


                                   

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

                                           

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

                                           

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

                                                

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

                                           

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

                                           

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

                                   

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

                                               

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

                                       

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.     

                                               

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
 sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because youhave tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
 The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

 God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Too funny not to share!  Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as  the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof  shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded  with a one-line memo --


"Defrost the chicken."

(True Story)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning..

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A friend 'liked' this on Facebook - it is a hoot - watch it only if you want/need a good laugh!
 

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A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
 

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Subject: The Deaf Bookeeper

             A Mafia Godfather finds out that 
his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. 

  
  His bookkeeper is deaf. 
  
  That was the  reason he got the job in the first place.  
  
  It was assumed  that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. 
  
  When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.


  The Godfather  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

 The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..

 Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

 The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

 The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!  
  
  The money is in a  brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

 The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!   Brings tears to your eyes!

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JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW

AP Wire- Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's
management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number,
and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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Hey, I don't write these so don't kill the messanger.

 Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll go to Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle Americans wear then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador.  When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Hardin,
Montana.  With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.  The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are," said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.  A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.  For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left looking puzzled.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look
under the dog's tail?  Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender.  "It's just that someone told them there
was a Labrador in here with two assholes!" 

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Not really a funny but something you should think about.

The Gingham Dress!

 A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge . "We'd like to see the president," the man said softly. "He will be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We will wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. 
They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave, "she said to him! He sighed in exasperation and nodded.
Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him!, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was 
accidentally killed. 

My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed,
"A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? " Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes
 

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I'll get hell for this one.

This year, Groundhog Day and Obama's State of the Union address will occur on the same date. One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

-------------------------------------------------

Misc. info...
 
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.
Women blink 2x as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
 
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.

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God and the Post Office...Priceless!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to

process all the mail that had illegible addresses. 

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God

with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see

what it was about. 

The letter read:
 


Dear God,
 


I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
 


Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which

was all the money I had until my next pension payment. 

Friday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends

over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy

food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..

Can you please help me? 

Sincerely, Edna
 



The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all

the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and

came up with a few dollars.



By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which

they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.  


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow

thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share

with her friends. 

Christmas came and went. 
 


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady

to God.  

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
 


It read:
 


Dear God,
 


How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 
 


Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious

dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told

my friends of your wonderful gift. 

By the way, there was $4 missing. 
 


I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
 


Sincerely, Edna

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If Santa answered his mail truthfully.

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.  I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.         Yer Friend, Billy
 

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.  You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?  I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.  At least HE can spell.                   Santa


*****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!              Love, Sarah
 

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?            Santa
 

****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.            Love, Francis
 

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.                 Santa
 

****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.                    Love, Susan
 

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.                   Santa


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?            Love, Jessica 

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do.  I'm skipping your house.          Santa
 

****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year.  Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?         Love, Timmy
 

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me.  You're getting a sweater again.                    Santa
 

****************************************************

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.  How do you get into our home?   Love, Marky
 

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.  Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.                Sweet dreams,       Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back." 

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS:
My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!